阿公

He watched me grew up.

Brought me to many places holding me in his hands when I was just a kid.
Went here and there running errands for 华星.

华星太极健身社 was his life and blood.
It's a lion dance troupe located on a 7 storey building's rooftop at Mayo Street.

Spent a great deal of time there during my childhood days.
阿公 will tend to his business and chores while I wondered around the rooftop entertaining myself with the blood stained punching bags and colorful lion/dragon heads.

Sometimes, we will print flags together in the manual old fashion silkscreen way.

阿公 has never ever scolded nor raised his voice at me even if I'm naughty or did something wrong.
Never...

After 阿嬷 passed away over 20 years ago, me and 阿公's bond grew stronger day by day.

I went through my teenage years in a rebellious fashion.
Went home with tattoes one day and it broke 阿公's heart.
Although he said nothing, I will never forget the disappointment in his eyes even till this day...

All he asked for was me to go back home in one piece, safe and sound... I think...

Still, I continued breaking his heart by getting into more troubles...

I'm sorry......

Years passed.
I grew up.
I was released from prison.
I've changed.

阿公 didn't know.
Everyone lied to him that his favourite grandson was posted overseas for army training during the period of my incarceration.
He was already diagnosed with heart disease at that time.

He has 9 children including my father, 10 grandchildren including myself.

I was practically an unwanted child back then.
Was it because I filled the void in his heart when 阿嬷 died?
Or was it because he took pity on me?
Till this day, I am still clueless......

3 days ago, 阿公 had another heart attack and was sent to the hospital.
Soon as I got the news, I took an early day off and rushed there.

He was in the ICU and smiled when he saw me.
He raised his left hand and I took it.

First thing he asked: 吃饱了没有？
After I answered, he said something in hokkien to my aunt with a gentle smile who was standing on the other side of the bed.
Something which he says to anyone whenever I'm with him on many occasions.

"An Nay Zui Soon, Xiang Tia Diu Si Didi Liao..."
So many grandchildren, I dote Didi the most...
Didi is me... I am forever his favorite Didi......

It was heartbreaking to see so many tubes sticking out of his body.

Heart functioning at only 35%.
Water in his lungs.
Kidney failing due to gradually declining blood pressure causing high level of acid in 阿公's blood.

Doctors unable to do much as 阿公's condition was simply too weak to withstand any kind of operation.

I already had a feeling that this time, he might not make it.
Still, deep down inside, I hoped for a miracle...

Hours passed.
His condition deteriorated.
Until to the point where he got slightly delusional...

Heartbeat stopped once but was pulled back by the doctors.
Heart efficiency dropped further to a mere 10%.

When I'm alone with him in the ward, I whispered to my unconcious 阿公 in his ear:
＂弟弟长大了，也乖了，不会走回头路。阿公你放心去找阿嬷... 我这里以后做完了就可以下去陪你们。＂

Yesterday morning at 1.50am, 阿公 left...

I was devastated...
Despite already being mentally prepared...
Even though everyone in the entire family knows that I'm 阿公's favorite, none of them will ever understand the degree of my pain.
Not a single one... No one in the entire world......

I left the hospital ward and walked downstairs.
I have a strong character but this time, I couldn't take it anymore...

I never knew that one can feel so much pain in one's heart and mind until yesterday.
Before, I thought that Billy's passing was the ultimatum.

I was so wrong......


Gathered myself, went back upstairs and made some phonecalls for 阿公's funeral.
Went to the mortuary and collected 阿公 together with the undertakers.
After all was done and my aunties and uncles went home, I went to the police station alone with 阿公's NRIC and doctor's certification to register his death.

Back to Ling's place at around 5plus...
Ling woke up and could only see my sadness superficially whereas Pepper seemed to sense the shattered man inside me...
Botak snuggled up to me affectionally pawing and pushing me with her furry muzzle.
I hugged her for awhile before I went to shower.
She knows and can feel that I was broken...

Showered, switched off the lights and lay down beside Ling in her pitch dark bedroom. Totally exhausted, I dozed.

Woke up about 2 hours later at 8am and booked the pavilion for 阿公's funeral wake.
Went to the undertaker's with pa, aunties and uncles.
The same undertaker was recommended by Ling who had engaged them for her dad's funeral years back.

We decided on the details with the boss, William.
I was the only grandson there.

My youngest aunt picked a nice light blue silk longevity robe with golden embroidery for 阿公 which I think he will like.





There are a few occasions in my life where I have suffered severe setbacks and heartbreaks...
But none can be compared to my 阿公's passing...
Maybe not even Billy's...

As always, I expertly conceal my tremendous grief...

世傑 will never break. 世傑 will be OK.

That's what others think......

Who can actually know the immense degree of pain that is inflicted on me this time?

Perhaps only Botak...
Or maybe Ah Boy...
Ling?





Just now at the wake, a dragonfly landed on my chest.
It then flew around the place circling 阿公's altar.
Landed on the joss stick butts for a short while before it disappeared as sudden as it came.

Is it you, 阿公?
Please forgive me for not being a better grandson......